Drained out.

" And you tried to change, didn't you? Closed your mouth more. Tried to be softer, prettier, less volatile, less awake... You can't make homes out of human beings. Someone should have already told you that. And if he wants to leave, then let him leave. You are terrifying, and strange, and beautiful. Something not everyone knows how to love. " 

- Warsan Shire, For women who are difficult to love (via hello-lolo)

From Singapore on a hazy Thursday morning.


1109 hours

I guess it's alright if you read this and don't understand a single thing because I don't know exactly where I'm coming from either. All I know is, it's a cold and lonely Thursday morning and I'm stuck in my dad's office pretending to be busy with "work".

Well, here goes nothing.

Today, somebody told me she wish I could see what everyone sees when they look at me. Telling me how beautiful I am as if she's not. I was a little caught off guard because she's a beautiful creature stuck in a little human body. She has the kindest soul and the warmest heart for little children. And then I told her something that I guess I should've reminded myself a little more often.

I said, " I wish you all could see that there's beauty in everything, including yourself. "

I guess sometimes I surprise myself with words that unexpectedly come out of my mouth when I use my heart to speak. I guess I never knew I could speak like that. 

People always wanted to go out there and make new friends but that was never what I wished, what I wanted was different. I wanted to go out there to learn new things, to find a new favourite scent, to discover a new part of me that I love, to find myself and most importantly, I wanted to be friends with my very self. 

And so, I've always been looking for a shelter of my own protection and I'm sorry if I go missing out of a sudden.

But I hope you know that this has nothing to do with you. I just got some straightening out to do with myself.

I wandered and wandered, little did I know that I'd end up on this lonely track.

Losing all that is around me in the midst of finding myself, sounds a little too close to insanity right?

But that's okay. 
It's okay, cause I knew that all I ever need will be the strength to pull myself together with all the broken pieces that people made me become. 

And then, I realised what went wrong. 

It was me. 
It was just me, always pouring and pouring my entire heart out into everything I do and then feeling so very empty and drained at the end of the day.

For a girl that always had hope in her eyes, I don't give up easily. I never backed down. I always believed in true love and finding happiness even after facing one heartbreak after another one over and over again.

I got so tired, I kinda, almost, feel like giving up right now. Because I'm exhausted, truly, deeply and immensely. 

And I'm so sorry.


xx
Angel