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Dear autistic child,

Of all the things I've said, I think the best thing to say right now is " I'm sorry. " 
Not the kind that I'd apologise for hurting you or some sort, although you know I am, sorry, and that's the last thing I'd ever want; to hurt you. 
But the kind that could kill with silence because nobody knows. That I still do look for your face in the crowd, that I still do think of you whenever I read poetry and when I go back to places we've been to before. I'd imagine how different things would be if I hadn't pushed you away, if I wasn't so broken and so afraid. I'd imagine us laughing at each other, sitting in silence and talking about how paradoxical life is. 
I tried, knowing that I wouldn't be able to take it if I had to sit there another second thinking about how happy or how at least you were still here with me felt. I walked away as quickly as I could, and even though it was just for a second, I realise that I really do miss you so very…

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Don't ask, just listen.

It is both a blessing and a curse, to feel everything so very deeply.

The things I couldn't say.


Drained out.

4th March '15